by Katy Abel
If Not Now...When? The countdown is on:
- A 10-page report on life in Colonial America, due next week.
- A replica of a Navajo village made of toothpicks, chopsticks, pine branches, and glue, to be completed next weekend.
- An oral presentation on the poetry of Robert Frost, due tomorrow.
Does your child often have "miles to go before he sleeps"? Is he always waiting until the last minute to complete an assignment? Or, does she refuse to even begin a project for fear it won't be "perfect"? Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., clinical psychologist in practice in Valley Stream, New York, is the author of Beat Procrastination and Make the Grade (Penguin Books). This is a practical guide to recognizing the various types of procrastinators in order to help kids "get going." See if any of the following personality traits look familiar—then try Dr. Sapadin's suggestions for helping your kids change their behavior!
The Perfectionist
How They Act:
Children who are perfectionists are very detail-oriented, and seldom satisfied with their work. As a result they have great difficulty completing assignments. They have an enormous need to get it "just right," and are easily upset with their mistakes. They tend to see things in extremes -- black or white, good or bad. Perfectionists tend to be very rigid about their work.
What They Say:
"It's not perfect."
"It's all wrong."
"It's so much work I can't even begin."
"It's not done yet; I still have to do this."
How to Help Change Behavior:
Perfectionists need to understand the difference between "perfect" and "excellent" or "very good." They also need help setting time limits. Since they never think anything they do is "good enough," they never finish trying to make it perfect. The Perfectionist has a difficult time putting things in perspective -- he might think that his entire academic future rests on the completion of a single assignment.
The Dreamer
How They Act:
Dreamers tend to be laid back, mellow kids who'd rather "hang out" than "get going." They tend not to think about the details and deadlines associated with schoolwork. They may get excited about "the idea" of a project or assignment, but often fail to follow through by beginning work or completing it. A Dreamer's sense of organization and timing is often poor. While they are not detail-oriented, Dreamers can be very creative, charismatic kids.
What They Say:
"I'll get to it."
"Mom, don't worry—there's plenty of time to finish it."
"But it's not due till next week."
"Don't hassle me."
"Can't I do my homework after dinner?"
How to Help Change Behavior:
Since Dreamers aren't great at timing, parents can help them estimate how long it will take to complete a project, then have them check their own estimates against what actually happens. A Dreamer might think it will take an hour to build a Navajo village, only to discover at 9 p.m. on a Sunday night that the project has taken 8 hours and isn't done yet! Help the Dreamer differentiate between trying and doing.
The Worrier
How They Act:
Worriers maximize every problem, and minimize their own abilities. They have difficulty leaving their "comfort zone" if anything seems new. If they are unsure how to proceed, they will worry and avoid an assignment rather than tackle it head-on. Worriers frighten themselves with lots of negative self-talk.
What They Say:
"I can't."
"What if I don't get the right answer?"
"I've never done geometry before; I don't know how."
"I'm not good at this."
"It's too much for me."
How to Help Change Behavior:
Worriers often have their fears discounted by well-meaning parents and teachers who simply respond to their naysaying with, "Of course you can do it!" A better approach is to help your child make compound sentences out of "I can't." If she says, "I can't finish this math homework," help her learn to add: "…but I can talk to my friend about how she got it done." Or: "I don't know how to build a Navajo village, but I do know how to gather the supplies I need for the project." This is an excellent way to help a Worrier break down something that seems huge into manageable parts.
The Crisis Maker
How They Act:
Crisis Makers like to live on the edge, and tend to get bored unless they perceive an "emergency." Crisis provides motivation, so Crisis Makers will frequently choose to wait until the last minute to meet deadlines, only to then heroically pull it off. They don't like to tackle projects in pieces, over time. They prefer to do it all at once, and their "mad dash to the finish line" can be very disruptive to family life.
What They Say:
"I have to get on the computer right now."
"I'll get the whole thing done on Saturday."
"I don't want to do spelling now and math after dinner."
"I work best under pressure."
How to Help Change Behavior:
Rather than fight your child's need for an adrenalin rush to get started, use it as a motivator. Create "fake" deadlines so the work gets done in a more timely fashion, with less chaos in the household. If the Navajo village must be delivered to school on Friday, set "the family deadline" for completion on Thursday. This way, you are respecting who your child is, but also expecting him to understand that you can't stop working on the computer, all of a sudden, so that he can hop online to do last-minute research. Crisis Makers love challenges, so make it a game with a prize: "If you can build the Navajo village by the family deadline, we'll all have time to go rollerblading."
The Defier
How They Act: There are two types of Defiers (active and passive-aggressive.) The active Defier is nasty, sarcastic, and argumentative. She puts up a huge fight when it comes to getting schoolwork done. The passive-aggressive Defier uses sarcasm and delaying tactics.
What They Say:
"Why should I do this stupid assignment?" (Active)
"My teacher's an idiot." (Active)
"You can't make me." (Active)
"I did it already." (Passive-aggressive)
"Don't worry I'll do it." (Passive-aggressive)
"Yeah sure, you think I can't do it." (Passive-aggressive)
How to Help Change Behavior:
Aim for your child to remain part of the family team or class, versus apart from it (exactly the opposite of what Defiers expect, since they are often isolated for their behavior). Don't get pulled into a tug-of-war with a Defier. Instead, drop the rope by agreeing with her objections, then helping to identify consequences ("Yes, it may be stupid to have to build a Navajo village with toothpicks and chopsticks -- I can see your point. But you're going to get a zero if you choose not to do the work, so you might want to go ahead and just get it done.") It's often best to be indirect with a Defier ("Sometimes going along with the rules has a payoff") rather than direct ("You have to do this or…".)
The Overdoer
How They Act:
Overdoers are the opposites of Defiers—they are people-pleasers who often put in too much work on their assignments. They say yes to too many things, and then procrastinate because they feel overwhelmed with too much on their plate. Procrastination is their way of saying no. They are often kids who "lose the forest for the trees," who can't focus on priorities because they have too many activities or friends.
What They Say:
"I have no time to finish this."
"I have to do it this way or the teacher won't like me."
"I have too much to do!"
How to Help Them Change Behavior:
Overdoers need help from parents to establish clear priorities ("It's going to be hard to finish building your Navajo village and then make it to the soccer game this afternoon. Which is more important?"). They also need help understanding that setting limits and saying no is not the same as being unkind or letting people down ("Your soccer coach will understand if you miss the game today. He knows schoolwork comes first, sports second.")
article from life.familyeducation.com
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